James Cameron’s Blue Feline Flick Flops, A Cat-tastrophe At The Box Office
By Benjamin Chrollin | December, 2022
Last month, I saved a man from leaping from the 9th-ish floor in beautiful Camden, New Jersey. It was a picturesque, sunny day out as I just left a film-journalism seminar when I walked upon a gaggle of people staring upwards like turkeys in the rain. Above them, a man stood motionless on the edge of an apartment building. We could barely make out key details such as sex, age, race, pronouns, etc. but I knew that I, as a connoisseur of truth and morality, could nonetheless, transcend societal norms and arbitrary barriers to LITERALLY talk a person off the edge.
After a bit of trial and error, I found the correct floor and apartment and took a seat at the window just behind the person. He was of average height, white, male, mid-20s-ish and a “him” so I began to calmly speak as an attempt to deescalate the situation. Lord knows if the police came, they’d probably coax him to leap in order to avoid paperwork (or for a promotion) so I knew time was limited. As a celebrated critic of visual cinematic arts, I was determined to let nobody die on this day.
I asked his name and where he’s from, making an intentional effort to avoid what brought us to this discussion. His name was Todd. Todd from right there at Camden, New Jersey. He began to speak on his troubles in marketing, how he was recently laid off and its lingering effects on his life. His wife left him. His parents disowned him. The ripple effect even disrupted his clan in World of Warcraft thus he was demoted from an “officer” to a mere “member.” His life was truly in disarray. Between the Kanye West debacle and the Nazi harassment brigade against his art, I could tell he truly loved his job at Ballenciaga.
After a bit more banter amongst us to set up a rapport, I knew it was time to make life-changing decisions, for me. “Well there’s always a way back. You can do it! I know, because I was there,” I said. He stared at me in disbelief, as if we were world’s apart. Superman among humans. I smirked and said, “you may have heard of me, I’m Benjamin Chrollin of the world famous Chrollie Awards.” He gasped in awe.
I knew this was a crucial moment so I leaned back, exhibiting my dominant nature as most “normal” people just aren’t as attuned to the world around us compared to we film critics.
Contrary to popular belief, this level of attunement isn’t moreso based on intelligence as it is simply critical thinking – as well as analytical skills.
Emergency responders began to approach as we both could hear the sirens in the distance. “I don’t want to die,” Todd said.
“Don’t worry. I won’t let you.”
-me
I lent out my hand as a gesture of trust and aid as he sorely needed a film critic more than ever. Even more so than government employees or a pig with a badge. He took my hand as I walked him back inside him/his apartment as we embraced. I triumphantly exited with him outside as the crowd cheered and applauded me incessantly. I cannot remember the last time I felt so fulfilled.
Fast forward to now and I’m currently on a flight from Dallas to Korea (the good one that is. Not the capitalist-dystopia enslaver country that is the south) and triggered beyond recognition. I upgraded my Economy Class seats and was expecting some degree of adulation from these Texan racists yet, even as I board first with more leg room, zero acknowledgement of my feat in New Jersey. Nothing.
I have no other options now other than to write. My MacBook Pro and Microsoft Word will be my avenue for comfort and therapy I guess. Either way, I was actually shocked to see that Avatar: The Way of Water is available as inflight “entertainment.”
Apparently the film stars Zoe Saldaña (of Drumline fame) and Sam Worthington reprising his role as Jake Sully for which his performance will undoubtedly sully the film as a whole. Very self-referential.
There’s other mainstream actors in the mix as well, but honestly, after the opening credits, who cares. Seeing as it has a run time of over three hours, I’m sure this Christmas release summer blockbuster will be great. Just wonderful.
Regardless, the mix of cartoon animation world and live action actors is bit jarring for my liking. Everyone who knows me knows I am a sucker for the avant-garde but I draw the line here. Much in the same vein as Cool World, Evil Toons, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Kong vs Godzilla, the mix of cartoon and live action is just so passé at this point and a dump to look at.
The plot is absurd and inconsequential as the blue cat monster alien heroes just fight humans in an alien world while having sex with other alien animals and/or mushroom trees via head mounted penis tentacles only to result in an abrupt ending with faux-endearing camera panning of its “heroes” as seen at the endings of Transformers 5: The Last Knight and The Justice League movie. Completely uninspired and effortless.
Expand on themes? What themes? Nothing else matters as it’s clear this film is just a CGI smear of color with mere pheromones of a story, as it was intended. Trust me, none of this matters.
But that didn’t stop a handful of morons to applaud as their last two remaining synapse exchanged electrical signals, not for any deep story elements, but due to flashing colors.
It was then, after suffering through this 190+ minute runtime strapped to a seat in a tube flying at 420 MPH at 30,00 feet while reflecting on Todd’s near suicide, I cannot in good conscience let anyone else at home during the holidays related to these six dipshits suffer through the same hellscape. I am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that upon landing these inbred degenerates will twist the proverbial arm (if not literal) of their equally braindead family members and force them into watching this film during the holidays.
I am seriously deliberating the effectiveness of battling this handful of stewards and Air Marshals to reach the flight deck and plow this plane into the Pacific as an act of righteousness, seeing as – from an expert’s point of view – being mauled by sharks while suffering from hypothermia would be more enjoyable than sitting through Avatar: The Shape of Water.
Avatar 2 (2022) Review Score
