Jurassic World Dominion Unfortunately Releases After Being Delayed Due To Dino-SAURS-CoV-2
By Benjamin Chrollin |June, 2022
It’s that time of year again! More mega-budget, vapid and over-produced Hollywood garbage to sizzle what limited brain cells are left of mainstream movie enjoyers. This time, it’s not sports cars in space or super heroes but dinosaurs. How original!
Jurassic (with emphasis on the “ass”) World: Dominion released and boy-oh-boy. Where do I begin? Much like the last entry that avoided the impending Hollywood extinction level event that was COVID-19, this more struggles to find its footing for all 146 minutes. Spoiler alert: by the second act, I was jealous of the cannon-fodder enemies being disemboweled.
The movie essentially has an “A” and “B” plot formula (typical) with the old bags from the original (Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and Laura Dern) reuniting for one last fare and Owen Grady (Chris Pratt), Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard), and others tagging along to save Maisie, the mutant off-spring child alien beast monster from the last snooze-fest outing. Save her from a new film threat that is. Child Protective Services should have been called on the parents for having their poor child actually star in the last film.
SPOILERS AHEAD. BUT LET’S BE HONEST, NOBODY CARES.
20 minutes in, the “film” actually starts with Owen Grady living in a hut somewhere in the snow-capped mountains à la “Unabomber” fashion where his beloved velociraptor, Blue arrives with a miraculous brood nicknamed “Beta.” I can’t help but feel as if the director/screenwriter Colin Trevorrow finally woke up and flew Pratt’s insane religious beliefs into the sun before crashing down as this movie is packed with allusions to Pratt’s insane beliefs.
First being his incessant religious preachings. Blue having a literal immaculate conception will never not be funny as Pratt himself is Christian of the worst (and annoying) variety. The fact his character is staring at literal Dino-Jesus yet is so oblivious to the allusion brought me immeasurable amusement.
The second was Blue, identifying as “asexual” and reproducing must have stung as Pratt’s character is FORCED to embrace the LGBTQIA+ community as his beloved dino has turned to the dark-side. Well, rainbow with glitter and tassels.
Lastly, let’s take a moment to appreciate how the chairman of cis-white “alpha-male” is now hopping continents to save a literal “Beta male.” Pure hilarity as I can only hope Pratt cries sweet, sweet tears over it.
I just wish Blue would have channeled their inner Elliot Page and mauled Pratt’s character to death and immediately cut to a black screen. I would have given the film all high marks then.
This brings me to a few gripes around the beasts themselves. What if I told you that the dinosaur movie that you were spending money on instead of saving from your impending January 6th hearing lawyer’s fees was actually about a literal locust plague? Seriously. That is what you’re paying for.
Yet another company in this multiverse of mediocrity has created giant locust swarms to combat the dinosaurs and the two camps of protagonists are out to stop it and save the mutant bastard monster girl. That is it. That is all this movie has.
If the giant locust swarms in a Jurassic Park movie wasn’t off-putting enough, just wait till you hear about these new cooky monster creations! Besides one hilariously having Freddy Krueger claws, others have feathers. Literal feathers yet no wings. Perhaps the audience was supposed to infer that Ingen (the original evil corporate genetics company) were back to their old Frankenstein-esque experiments again but they left it so vague and open-ended that nobody knows what the point was for it. At the very least, they could have given us actual dinosaurs.
They also whipped up a, get this, a “Gigantosaurus.” Get it? Because it’s a giant dinosaur. Brilliant writing, Colin. Just brilliant.
The original three from the first trilogy globetrot as well but apparently, only to argue and bicker as they try to find incriminating evidence against said new evil corporation. I struggle to find the name as the movie felt more like a milky haze than anything. It started with a “B” I believe? Bi-Bee-Bih-Be-Will be missing out on the next two-and-a-half-hours of my life. I knew I could remember it.
Either way, nothing happened with them. The three elderly “heroes” solve the crime and testify in front of congress but not for climate change or equal rights or peace in Ukraine. No. For dinosaurs. I rolled my eyes nearly out of socket when elderly washed-up actor, Jeff Goldblum said, “Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.”
I genuinely hated this viewing experience. I truly did.
If this trash fire existed during the FBI’s raid on Waco, Texas, even they wouldn’t have used it to torture all those women and children.
Jurassic World Dominion (2022) Review Score
