Morbius is bloody awful, leaving Sony in a grave situation, further lowering stakes

By Benjamin Chrollin | March, 2022

September 11th, 2001, December 7th, 1941, January 6th, 2021, and now April 1st, 2022, April Fool’s Day. All dates that will live on through the annals of all human history.

The film Morbius is released to widespread despair, anguish, and heartbreak as Sony, yet again, hovers their lightly-fuzzed ass cheeks over their loyal incel audience and pinches a loaf on the very art of cinema. A film, so bad, that they required us to sign multiple NDAs with an embargo date for the day before release. We, as rebels and equitable voices for the Visual Arts, say, “nay.”

Seeing as my wife and our three children ran off with our family friend Usuf, I found myself temporarily staying overnight at the office as Usuf now has the keys to my house. During this free time, I now have the mental clarity to digest what we have seen at the Morbius screening, and it was god awful.

Morbius, as a character, does not make sense. The concept of vampires having superhuman strength yet withering in the sun like a prune is laughably stupid and outdated. When we first started dating, my wife Sherri told me that my reluctance to be shirtless around the pool was reminiscent of vampires. Not of the Bram Stoker or John Carpenter variety, but of the JK Rowling type. She always found that to be my most alpha-dominant quality.

Much like myself, the “film” delves into the concept of “what makes a man – a man” as Dr. Michael Morbius (played by Jared Leto of Camp Wilder fame) struggles with his masculinity much akin to Hemingway. Oddly enough, the three of us have more similarities than I originally prescribed, as we each have personal insecurities.

One; we hate women. Two; we married soulless succubi. Three; due to circumstances beyond our control, we now lack a libido.
Throughout the second act, Morbius struggles with his newfound powers as he intends to find his place in the world. He struggles to perform menial tasks such as paying bills, maintaining a meaningful love life, and keeping his bitch wife away from the Nigerian prince who locked him out of his own house.

Much like my wife, Morbius is also a perpetual blood-sucker who only get their enjoyment in life by removing that from those around them. His “love interest” is equally hollow and shallow in character, like Sherri, and only serves to drive him downward (much like me as of recent.) At one point in the film, Morbius finds himself alone, near-naked, and homeless on the street “cooking” shrimp-flavored ramen on the engine block of his car.

This I found surprising, as I am also currently facing equally downtrodden circumstances in my life. My dinner consisted of yesterday’s chicken nuggets and french fries in a microwave. Anyways, Sony does pull a few surprises for “fans” as it introduces some other beloved Marvel characters.

As we’ve all seen in the trailers, Adrian Toomes aka “The Vulture” (played by Michael Keaton of Mr. Mom fame and famously a production assistant on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood) also has a starring role. We found it distracting, as much of the feature was less focused on Morbius when compared to The Vulture. I personally found myself questioning if this was indeed a “Morbius film” or a “The Vulture film” or “is Sherri coming back?” or “does baby Suwikominosu actually love me? The last time she saw me, she looked at me and then Usuf and then back to me and then back to Usuf with arms out wide. Perhaps she was just in a phase? Maybe she doesn’t love me after all? I always found it weird that Sherri was so committed to the name Suwikominosu for our biracial child by way of Caucasian-African-American consummation as ‘Suwikominosu’ is a revered Okinawan given name.”

Another character they slyly introduced was a shockingly (and expensively; from a licensing perspective) X-Men character by the name of Soft Serve. The scene unfolds where Morbius, much like myself, finds himself at a lone bar in the proverbial “dumps.” A young, sassy, mayo-American succubus sits next to him and begins flirting. The audience is led to believe she is yet another throw-away sex object from any Michael Bay work but that preconception is toppled as she mysteriously pulls out a chocolate ice cream cone.

Perplexed, Dr. Morbius stares down at the cone, then back at her smiling face. He accepts it and cautiously… takes a bite. He stares at her as she smirks and giggles while she pulls out another cone. Morbius then asks her something akin to “where are you getting those?” for which she pulls out another from behind her back.

Suspecting another impending attack, he leans back to cautiously survey the situation. She then takes an empty ice cream cone, lifts her denim skirt, grunts, and pulls out another chocolate ice cream, much like how Marvel makes their annual installments.

The Vulture then makes a thinly-veiled allusion to Spider-Man: Homecoming’s Mac Gargan becoming the new Venom in the joint Sony-Marvel cinematic universe. Apparently, this is true to the comics as he gives up his original identity as The Scorpion and takes on his new form of Venom. Like the story of my life, this is also a trash fire.

Eventually, a CG gulag of explosions, particle effects, and shoddy depth of field make up the final act of the film as Morbius finds himself battling Blade (played by Mahershala Ali of Haunted [2002] fame.) We’re then introduced to another Marvel vampire favorite: Hellcow. This cow, literally named “Bessie,” becomes seduced, fisted, and then converted by none other than Dracula who then begins a reign of terror in the very same lab as Dr. Morbius. The ensuing fight left me numb, as seeing a cow on screen only served as a reminder of how that bitch Sherri is ruining my life.

Michael Morbius and Blade eventually join forces to defeat Hellcow at the end of the film. Afterwards, they enjoy shwarmas, much like the ending of The Avengers (2012), only for both of them to ask the bartender for two Bloody Marys while winking at the camera. Then, Soft Serve shows up once more and throws a wad of her chocolate ice cream at the camera in disgust.

As the credits began to roll, I looked around as my fellow elite film screeners groaned and stared at one another. I, however, was not. I sat patiently as the credits continued to roll. I then cocked the hammer back on my Smith & Wesson 500 and was ready to put it in my mouth.

My phone then buzzed in my pocket. It was Sherri. She asked if we could “chat.” Long story short, The Vulture reappears in one of the end credits scenes and says something. No idea. I’m more fixated on rebuilding my family.

Morbius (2022) Review Score

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