Sonic 2 Releases The Week of Ramadan,
Reminding Us We Gotta Go Fast

By Benjamin Chrollin | April, 2022

There I was, sitting alone once again in my single bedroom apartment, dwelling on my crumbling marriage and family when my phone rang. It was a group I personally never expected to hear from; Red Letter Media. Hearing of my personal troubles, Mike Stoklasa, Jay Bauman and Rich Evans reached out to invite me to a viewing of the new Sonic “film.” I had zero interest in mingling with Nazis but even fascist company is better than solitude at this point, so I reluctantly succumbed to their request and agreed to head over to Milwaukee.

We met at a local steak house where we ate dinner and drank some adult beverages. I placed my order of grilled asparagus with Pabst Blue Ribbon while the others ordered various plates full of murdered animal and Miller Lite. I was uncomfortable as their soulless troglodyte stares punctured my soul with every bite of my meal. I was not among wolves, I was in the very “Wolves’ Lair” of Hitler himself.

We eventually made our way to Peep’n Tom’s Theater for an early screening where I was shocked to see how many adult men (all straight whites) were waiting in line, not sharing a word. Most were adorned in trench coats and ball caps. As a xeno-gendered BIPOC, I was left wondering which of them attended the January 6th Insurrection and how many were just as embarrassed to be seen there as I was. Mike Stoklasa seemed rather enthused as he made “thoughtful” comparisons between the deep lore of Sonic the Hedgehog and Star Trek for which Rich Evans would respond, “AIDS” and simulate masturbation.

We took our seats in the middle row as I was planted between Mr. Evans and Bauman with Stoklasa to the far right. Bauman offered me popcorn for which I declined, as there were no vegan options. (I also feel it’s important to protest fascist American movements, no matter how handsome and unassuming their adherents are.)

^{Image credit: Paramount Pictures}

The film started as credits began to roll before buxom ladies flashed across the screen. I was confused as I thought this film was rated “PG” but as connoisseur of actual film, I’m unaware of what content warrants which rating under the MPAA (apparently, neither does Hollywood). Then, ‘Sonic the Vadgehog’ splattered across the screen like a bug on a windshield. As I recalled, the film was titled Sonic the Hedgehog 2 but in usual Hollywood fashion, they changed their titles at the last minute à la Birds of Prey (2020) as a last-minute re-branding.

The Red Letter Media guys started squealing in typical incel fashion along with the rest of the Nazis in attendance as the titular character, “Sonic” made his grand entrance. I felt threatened and emasculated among their cheers as I felt something was just off about this experience, but I didn’t know what.

As I stared at this large-breasted blue character, it finally occurred to me. Hollywood is once again bastardizing the Muslim faith by depicting their deity – Hanuman – in such a menial way at the very start of this year’s Ramadan. For those that found Marvel’s Infinity War entertaining, I’ll explain. Ramadan is the holiest of days to those within the Muslim faith. This year, the sacred holiday began in the first week of April and ends in May.

As someone so well-versed in foreign cultures, theology, and conflict resolution, I felt very uncomfortable with this western propaganda.

I stared up at the screen as “Sonic” violently rubbed his vagina until he screamed in pain as urine flushed across the camera’s lens. I looked to Mr. Evans in shock. “I think I’m having an anxiety attack,” I said. He turned to me grinning menacingly and whispered, “AIDS” as he pointed to the screen.

_{Image credit: Paramount Pictures}

I looked to Mr. Bauman for support to which he rebuffed my stares. His overtly-racist response to my calls for help were jarring, but not expected. His dark, sunken eye sockets and Hitler Youth hairstyle contrasted his chiseled jawline, rugged beard, and massive biceps. I was drawn to him inexplicably. Perhaps this was because there was some hope, deep down in my soul, that he’d be an ally to queer BIPOCs such as myself.

A flash of red caught my eye as I looked up confused once more. In the trailer, I recalled there being a character named “Knuckles” yet Dr. Robuttnik, adorned in an all-red bodysuit, was wrist-deep into Sonic. That moment stuck out as it proved to be more false advertising for major Hollywood studios.

I sat in my seat – scared and relieved – as the credits began to roll.

We got up from our seats as Stoklasa looked past Bauman, while I looked to Evans and compared Robuttnik’s red attire to Star Trek’s “red shirts” as they “both get penetrated one way or another.” Evans chuckled at the comparison and quipped, “AIDS” as we began moving through the columns of theater chairs once more. I was disgusted by all of these Yakubian beasts.

That is except for Bauman. There was just something dangerously disarming about him. His squared shoulders, perfectly sculpted buttocks, and V-tapered waist guided me to the front door and ultimately safety as I felt a feeling of comfort after a traumatic incident. The feeling was more akin to veterans, recounting their experiences after a long fought battle in the mountains of Kandahar, Afghanistan. Truly turbulent and heart-wrenching.

All-in-all, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 was yet another example of a Hollywood misfire and cheap cash grab at the expense of minorities. Do not take your children to see this. The poor acting, incompetent digital effects, and extremely flat cinematography will only leave children scarred.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022) Review Score

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