Move Over, Birdemic.
Audiences Are Raven About TERROR BIRDS,
Proving Toucan Play At This Game

By Benjamin Chrollin | March, 2022

I was going to kill myself today. I came home and my wife of 17 years packed our furniture, dog, and three children; Bradley, Samantha, and little baby Suwikuminosu. I was devastated. In my eyes, the only option I had left was to grab my grandfather’s WWII rifle, put it in my mouth, and paint a lovely red and pink Jackson Pollock on my now barren living room wall. I slipped the barrel past my lips as the cold steel tinged my tongue and it nudged against my tonsils. I was committed.

That is until a glimmer of light shimmered from across the dark room. It was my phone. As I glanced over, the phone lay on the ground and miraculously unlocked itself as if an angel had the password, not just to my heart, but my very soul for that moment. I pulled the barrel out and walked over to the beacon as if I were a ship, lost at sea and desperately seeking guidance through a rough storm, just off-shore in the abyss of night. I looked down and saw a glimpse of God, eternity, a new beginning. But it wasn’t any of those things, for it was more grand. It was TERROR BIRDS.

This film – I just – words simply can’t do it justice. Despite being 6 years old, this film’s character depth, acting, and special effects pleasured me to my core. This film has it all. This film is everything Spielberg and Winston wished Jurassic Park could be (not Jurassic World though. Fuck you, Chris Pratt).

This cinematic experience starts with an original introduction to the evil capitalist Republicans as they transport the last two specimens of the Phorusrhacids (Terror Birds for the MCU enthusiasts) in a box for which a security guard gets mangled to death during a botched operation. Completely original introduction for prehistoric beasts in a contemporary setting.

Then, in an incredible stroke of genius, the writer, Jake Helgren (of A Very Christmas Town and Christmas on the Menu fame) blew my fucking balls off with an incredible twist. He introduced a handsome, manly-man character trekking alone in the woods only to get killed off immediately after trespassing into an animated hellscape. Cause of death? Cel-shaded terror birds, of course!

Heartbreakingly, as his lungs and/or liver were being pulled through his esophagus, his daughter called. His phone rang just inches from his fingers as we see the name “Maddy” across the screen. My heart just wrenches recounting this. We’re then Heartbreakingly, as his lungs and/or liver were being pulled through his esophagus, his daughter called. His phone rang just inches from his fingers as we see the name “Maddy” across the screen. My heart just wrenches recounting this. We’re then introduced to Maddy in-person along with her proud, Uber-lesbian friend who then rallies a crack team of three cohorts consisting of Maddy’s long-lost love, Justin, his red-shirt-from-Star-Trek friend, and his completely original “mean girl” girlfriend-type character, Taylor. Brilliant.

After some deep character building, they then head off in search of Maddy’s father as he’s been gone for a week after the initial call that we, the audience witnessed. Or at least they say. The editing is masterfully done to condense the timeframe so to leave the story’s pacing in the air. Chef’s kiss.

I was then hastily introduced to Maddy’s father’s mysterious cabin for which he conveniently left his map that also conveniently had his exact hiking route. Incredible writing!

After all five of them crowd around a children’s table to plan their adventure, they then hastily head off into the woods. But not before Maddy looks into the camera as she tells Justin to grab a first aid kit from under her father’s bed. This was brilliant as the audience needed to know it would play a part later in the film for 30 seconds. Outstanding.

Eventually, they begin meandering through the woods as Maddy desperately searches for her father. The intricacies of Maddy and Justin’s love triangle then get expanded upon as the two begin to reconnect. The character depth was uniquely encapsulated by the actors’ Chrollie Award-winning performances, by the way.

After all five of them crowd around a children’s table to plan their adventure, they then hastily head off into the woods. But not After even more the deep character-building, they found a silver watch belonging to Maddy’s father, miraculously dangling from a tree branch in the exact spot they were standing through the vastness of the forest. I loved this moment for it served as a clever visual metaphor for Maddy and her father’s compassion for one another. The way she and the others coincidentally found his watch that deep into the forest implies their undying love for each other will outlive them both. Even her father’s evisceration.

We’re then introduced to some exquisitely crafted storytelling in two intriguing ways. First, as one schlump is Doordashing dogs to the killer ostriches, we’re masterfully introduced to a box of dynamite in the back of his child molester-Esque white van for which another baddie turns directly to the camera and scolds the driver, “do not bring dynamite onto these premises, again.”

A few scenes later, I was then introduced to the second with mean girl Taylor making a voice recording of herself calling for Maddy’s father. This was brilliant due to the fact that I, the audience (especially MCU fans), may not know of voice memos or voice recording technology in contemporary ”smartphones.” All-in-all, it was the genius of Sean Cain (the director) to let us know in advance that the dynamite and voice recording technology will play a part, later in the film.

Stuff happens, two of the five get killed by the birds along with a potential rapist, and Justin’s bitch of a girlfriend gets mauled off-screen by an alligator. Yes. In a film about killer Cenozoic birds, a character is killed by a cel-shaded alligator. Helgren is truly a writing prodigy!

My favorite scene, however, was when the evil Republican ringleader is killed along with one of the birds! F*ck you, “Trumpster fires!” So endearing to see racist capitalists reap what they sow!

At this point, I, myself, was left with the final two; Maddy and Justin! But all was not well for them as they found themselves stranded atop a wooden shed with nowhere to run as the final terror bird chomped at their feet. I was twisted into knots from such tension.

Fear not, however, as Justin suddenly had a savant level surge of neuron power. “The beasts are attracted to sound! How about I record my voice on my phone and then throw it as to distract it!” Of course, he said this while staring into the camera since this was the big pay-off after Taylor’s big moment so the audience needed to know. Justin then recorded himself saying something akin to ”eat this you big, dumb bird.”

JUSTIN THEN DID THE IMPOSSIBLE! He threw the phone as it was playing back his voice with the might of nine seven-year-olds and, just as he expected, the terror bird stopped looking at the 300+ pounds of meaty prey standing just inches from its mouth to attack the five-ounce, 2.5” x 4.2” cellphone imitating his voice. Truly awe-inspiring writing.

The duo then make their escape via Jared Fogle’s Mystery Machine but not before finding the keys in… who would have guessed? In the driver’s sun visor! So original! For 20 yards, they made haste but in a dramatic twist, they came across a steel gate, blocking their escape. So, with all 18 horses, Justin rams the dynamite-packed pedophile pedaler but to no avail.

Our two heroes were stuck with the last terror bird now making a hurried rush for the van. One would expect Justin to recreate the same phone tactic as it proved so effective before, but nope! Cain and Helgren are such masters of their craft that they circumvented expectations once more by just having the bird lured into the back by Justin and Maddy themselves, locking the final terror bird inside. It’s revealed that Maddy also lit a stick of dynamite atop the box with the rest before the two crawl out just in time, guaranteeing the extinction of the terror birds. Truly imaginative writing and execution!

The film comes to a close with the pair darting away from green_screen_explosion5.mp4 in slow-motion. Justin and Maddy then kiss passionately in the dirt as the spirit of her father and Justin’s hour-long dead girlfriend presumably stare down in excitement and glee! I am a sucker for happy endings.

Just as I was easing back into reality from a 90-minute euphoric adventure, the camera shifted. Sean Cain and Jake Helgren did it again!

In one last master-stroke of cinematic genius, they caught me off-guard once more! The camera panned across the base of a tree with a lone egg that then HATCHES! In yet another incredible example of CGI glory, they compounded imagination, technology, and artistry with reality for a mind-bending use of SFX by having a physical foam egg shatter into a cel-shaded terror hatchling! “OH MY FUCKING GOD!” I exclaimed!

I was in such shock and awe, even the Gulf War would have been envious. I didn’t know what to do with my life once the ending credits began to whiz across my screen. But I did know my life wasn’t complete. Not because of any fractured home, but because of an unproduced sequel! I cannot for the life of me understand why there were such a fervor for a “Snyder Cut” of The Justice League ”film” yet audiences are mum for a Terror Birds 2?!

What can I (or humanity for that matter) do without a Terror Birds 2? Sadly, I suspect we’ll have to try and weather this storm until it releases.

Watch the trailer