Sony PXW-FX9K: Guileless Gear Review

By Noah Migo & B. Gawn | August, 2022

Let’s be honest; Sony® is a terrible company. They’re responsible for some of the most embarrassing motion pictures in the history of film, and they’re the soulless evil corporation that brought us the infamous Sony® Walkman. Needless to say, this review is not sponsored in any way, there are no shady affiliate links that just encourage “reviewers” to lie to you so they can get 3 cents from amazon, and Sony doesn’t even know we exist (we’d like to keep it that way.) This camera was borrowed from a friend of The Chrollies for an afternoon, and the following review is as unbiased as a Hellen Keller book review.

First off, if you want to make a movie in today’s political climate, you can’t just use your iPhone anymore. All of the kids will make fun of you for using outdated tech to make a modern movie in [current year]. Instead, you’ll need this spiffy piece of tech in your arsenal. Even if you don’t know how to use all the boring bells and whistles, it’ll make you look professional.

Point this sucker at anything and it’ll make you look like a pro; your kids’ birthday party, someone doing a sick AF wheelie on a motor bike, and even your acne/blemish-riddled OnlyFans content. Take this thing to any film set and you’ll be the cool guy in the room, even if you’re not a guy. This camera supports any filming style, from moody, atmospheric thrillers to a Michael Bay movie with fucking explosions everywhere (explosions not included, although Tyrannocon Rex might show up.)

This $14,000 hunk of electronics comes with a 28-138mm f/4 G OSS lens. What does that mean? Who gives a fuck, it sounds awesome. The gear is internally stabilized, meaning no more accidental SyFy-Shitbuster-style shaky cam movies. Although it doesn’t film in QUHHD (10K HD), it does achieve the slightly-outdated UHD (4K) and the picture is crystal clear. The ISO control feature auto-adjusts, so it will do its best to compensate for your filthy shit-covered lenses and your DP’s disgusting colored gels. Just turn down that saturation and this thing will ramp up your movie’s arthouse factor by 10.

This shit comes with two slots for memory cards because Sony® apparently still thinks we live in the PS1 era. Just hardwire some SSDs into this bad boy already, it’s [current year]!. It also comes with a variable framerate function which is perfect for action scenes or, more importantly, if you wanna throw a soccer ball at your kid’s face and watch it in slow motion. It also has this technology called ‘Fast Hybrid AF’. I’m not sure what “hybrid as fuck” means, but I’m sure the Zoomers will eat this shit up like R. Kelly at a urinary sample analysis lab.

Since we live in the dystopian hellscape of [current year], it locks onto human faces and detects fast moving objects, making it perfect for all of the aspiring CCP members who’d like to keep tabs on any political dissidents. This also comes with 4-channel audio recording feature, perfect if you’re looking to capture isolated audio of your leaky diarrheic soundscapes throughout the day.
Also holy shit is the depth of field control immaculate or what? Wanna blur that background and focus on something in the foreground? You’re in luck.

All in all, it’s a great piece of equipment and should be used by every aspiring filmmaker. Who am I kidding… the economy is in shambles and no one has this kind of money except Sony themselves. At the price of $13,498.00 (this was $11,000 last year because the value of the US dollar is exponentially declining thanks to the wonderful people at The Federal Reserve who print money and inflate the monetary supply to continue their ongoing scheme of aiding and abetting the most vile people within the US government, thus causing the poorest American citizens to be affected the most) this thing is just not worth it. Maybe your school will have a half-broken one laying around that another student forgot to return on time because they’re a fucking degenerate who only makes intentionally confusing “artsy” films so he can avoid any/all criticism.

In conclusion; fuck that.
It’s too expensive, especially since you’ll just fail at filmmaking anyway.
Just use your iPhone instead.

Sony® PXW-FX9K Score

Watch Their Corporate Propaganda

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Cinzia Abate

you know what your right i dont need this expensive thing especialy with the economy now ill just use my phone thanks great review


is the preffered camera for pornographers as I heard?

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